(The following is an excerpt from Srila Jagadananda Pandita’s ‘Sri Prema Vivarta’)
Srila Jagadananda Pandita writes –
O Gauranga! Leaving the shelter of Your feet, I am traveling to Sri Vrindavana. Considering that I would be able to see Your previous pastimes, I wished to go there.
Now I repent having thought like that. Not seeing You, my life has grown unendurable. I do not know what to do now.
Your reddish feet are the precious wealth of my life. Alas! I have deserted them on the sands by the sea-shore (in Jagannatha Puri). What have I come here to see? I have foolishly indulged my mind and now my bird-like heart is eager to fly away.
The More I walk, the more my mind refuses to accompany me. Yet I proceed stubbornly. The Transformations of love make me dance like a puppet. Being thoroughly perplexed, I feel like a lifeless man.
Not understanding Lord Gauranga’s playful pastimes, I am plunged into an ocean of sorrow. I am not getting what I crave for, and my heart is acting restlessly.
I go to relinquish my life for Gauranga but I do not succeed even in this. I jump into the ocean to yield my life but I only end up fumbling in the water.
Eager to see His moon-like face, I promptly returned to the shore. Not seeing Him again, I become restless, and hence I walk again to the garden of Tota-Gopinatha temple.
Seeing Lord Gauranga’s face in the courtyard of Tota Gopinatha temple, I fall unconscious (in a state of ecstasy). Regaining consciousness I find out that Sri Gadadhara Pandita has taken care of me during this time.
Sri Gauranga and Gadadhara Pandita were sitting and discussing me. Immediately, I began weeping (in ecstasy) and rolling on the floor without considering the place.
I cannot tolerate even a flash of separation (from my beloved Lord). Lord Gauranga dances upon my heart. He does not allow me to die and when I am alive, we always quarrel. I wonder how I can sustain my life?
Under such circumstances, I have come to Vrindavana, abandoning the feet of Lord Gauranga. I don’t know why I had this idea which has now ruined my present life as well as the next.
I had gone to seek Lord Gauranga’s permission (to travel to Vrindavana) and now if I do not go, then I shall commit an offense. But I am now dying not seeing the moon-like face of Gaurachand (Gauranga). There are barriers all around me now.
Whoever loves Gauranga experiences such difficulties and faces a tug of war between his life and death. Everyone whispers that this is the miserable state of all the followers of Gadadhara Pandita.
Perceiving Vrindavana within Navadvipa
O brother ! I could not visit Vrindavana.
Not seeing Gauranga’s face and while contemplating His form, I lost my way and arrived at some other place. Backtracking, I resumed my journey (to Vrindavana) but landed up in the same place again.
I don’t know when I shall be able to reach Vrindavana this way? I do not know what will become of me? I spend my days and nights lying below trees and sometimes I doze into a deep slumber.
In my dream, I saw that I have traveled to a faraway place reaching the shore of the ocean. There I witnessed a wonderful dance involving Gadadhara Pandita and His associates. And they sang songs resembling showers of nectar.
When the dancing and singing concluded, Lord Gaura pulled my hand and said, “You left in anger. Please Tell Me, What is My fault? Your mind is so fickle. You are traveling to Vraja (Vrindavana) leaving Me here”.
“Come, let us embrace and hold our hearts together. This shall remove the agitation of my heart. Cook some rice and spinach and serve Me during the mid-day. This shall also satisfy My hunger”.
“Without Jagadananda, My heart has been full of sorrow. I have eaten and slept in such a sad state of mind for so many days. What were you thinking of when you left? Your departure has plunged me into grief. My Jagadananda is always pitiless”.
“Quickly come back after happily touring Vrindavana. On returning, feed Me rice, spinach, and other vegetables. Only then I shall be able to live and it will also make you happy. Never leave Me out of anger again”.
Waking from sleep, I found myself far from Vrindavana. But the shore of the Ganges was very near. O Navadvipa Dham! The place where lord Gauranga enacts His pastimes eternally. It is perfect and the very essence of Vrindavana.
Overjoyed, I entered the inner chambers of Mayapur and bowed at the feet of mother Ai (Saci Mata). Discussing about Gauranga, I quickly came out and savored the divine opulence of Navadvipa.
I felt that I have already witnessed Vrindavana. So what is the need of visiting such a distant land anymore? Seeing Lord Gauranga, I shall give up all of my griefs, and shall leave my pain of separation behind.