Chapter Five – Transformations of Ecstasy in executing devotional service | Sri Prema Vivarta

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The pangs of transformations of love ceaselessly dance like waves upon my mind. Everyday I get into some quarrel with Lord Gauranga.Thus I have come to be known as ‘Kundale Jagai’ (Quarrelsome Jagai).
I went to see Vrindavana and while staying at Sanatana’s place, I quarrelled with him. When he calmly came before me, wearing a (mayavada) sannyasi’s red cloth upon his head, i felt like beating him with a rice pot.

But upon witnessing Sanatana’s humility, I left him alone and shamefully sat in a corner. My beloved Gaura knows everything. He has sent me to Vrindavana while He stayed afar and watched the fun.
It is good that He feels pleasure at my woes. My happiness lies in Gauranga’s happiness. Let me suffer eternal tribulations if it provides Him with joy. I cry day and night suffering separation from Gauranga, while He simply smiles seeing my teary-eyed face.
That sannyasi Gaurasundara, is actually a deceiver, yet I love His pastimes. I love His sweet nectarian words. My Lord is now manifesting the same mood that he had previously manifested in Vrindavana. Though I understand this, yet I choose to not understand it.
Once I brought some sandalwood oil for Him. But hearing His cutting remarks, I broke that pot of oil before Him. Getting angry and sulking, I laid fasting on my bed. But my Lord used various devious means, to pacify my anger.
He made me cook rice, vegetables and wild spinach, saying ,’An angry cook enhances the taste of his cooking’. This statement incensed me even further which pleased Him. I only desire His satisfaction.
When Sanatana asked me for advice, I told him to go to Vrindavana. Lord Gaura thought me a fool for this. Seeing His childish nature, I feel so wonderfully amazed. I clasp onto His lotus feet.
Whenever I desire to go to Vrindavana, He does not give me His permission. He deceives me by giving various excuses.Whenever there is any argument between us, He asks me to go to Navadvipa. I accept this instruction as His mercy.
He has left His home. And on the pretext of abiding by His mother’s instructions, He now resides at Jagannatha Puri. But He sends anyone whom He blesses, to His own abode at Navadvipa. For me, returning to Navadvipa was similar to the cowherd men (of Vrindavana) returning to their own homes and obtaining darsana of Goloka.
In this mood, I serve Lord Gauranga all day and night. This is the nature of the devotees of Gauranga. The lotus feet of Gauranga and Gadadhara Pandita are all my treasures. Svarupa Damodara understands this mood.

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